I don’t think I’ll ever understand why women love shoes and heels. Maybe it’s because my feet are funny. I decided to buy some sort of heels the other day that were only slightly pointy-open-toed, and wore them for one day… and then everything died. It was so hard to walk and keep balanced, and it’s not because I’m unco. I have incredible toe strength for balance and ultimate control! Basically my big toes were dying and all my other toes were being crushed, and I couldn’t jump, run or walk as fast as I usually do. I was going to blame it on having wide feet, but now I am proud of them and the fact that I can splay my toes out like a monkey. This means I have the awesome ability to trick 6 year olds into thinking I have magical feet that can pick up mugs and pass them around.

I mean, if you wear heels you get no backward stability and squashed toes means no forward stability so you fall over with a little bit of a shove. Also tiny heels might hurt if you get stepped on by them but fat heels are the way to go for crushing bugs. Unless your aim is really good. Also heels and pointy toes lead to ugly and deformed feet that won’t fit into five fingers, and bleed when blisters form and then you end up having to throw potatoes at it. I just realised all that probably made very little sense outside of my head.

Either way, I think I am destined to wearing five fingers and thongs since my feet are too sensitive barefoot and no other shoes fit me 100%. Plus I am the super destroyer of any kind of heel, even flat ones because I stomp.

ITS SPUNKY FUNKY MONKEY TIME